If anyone who comes on this site has read anything I’ve written you should pretty much be aware that I’m on a one man crusade to stop coaches from abusing some kids through the practicing of benching, or essentially giving a player on the team either no, or very, very little, meaningful playing time.
I stated that this practice is really only bad on team sports where a team of 5-6-9-11 or so players take the field or court. I’ve gone on further to state that this practice can be very, very bad in team sports where the act of playing does NOT physically exhaust a player to the point where he/she needs to be subbed for by someone sitting on the bench. Two team sports that come to mind in this category are baseball and volleyball. My family’s experience is with my daughter in the sport of volleyball.
So let me first describe my parental feelings by saying that seeing my daughter, or any of my children, take the field, or court, gives my heart unspeakable joy. My joy is made even more intense in seeing her perform well, or in knowing that she’s part of a very very good team. My feelings can’t be odd for a parent . . .can they? I’m certain every parent reading this feels the way that I do. My excitement level is such that as my daughter’s season approaches my mood starts to brighten thinking of days or evenings where I’ll get to see my daughter play her sport. I mark these days on my calendar and I count them off to game day. If there’s a possibility that a work or other life event might get me down or slide me into a crappy mood . . .I’ll shake off those feelings saying to myself . . . .”Yes, that’s crappy, but at least I get to see my girl’s volleyball match tomorrow!” And then . . . .everything’s ok!
So, again, any of you who’ve read any of my previous posts knows what comes next. While I’ve written about this from my daughter’s perspective I’m now going to write about it from mine. I’ve written about how such happiness and excitement a young athlete has in being selected to a team can quickly turn to horrific pain and self-esteem destruction when the child realizes that the coach just isn’t going to play her! I’ve stated that at the level where my daughter plays volleyball, being selected to a particular club or varsity level team is, of itself, a tremendous accomplishment but, in seeing what can happen to a child on just such a team who receives no playing time, I can’t any longer take pride or happiness in just team selection. That accomplishment MUST go hand-in-hand with receiving playing time. Now I really don’t view selection as an accomplishment if playing time isn’t there. Seeing the devastation the lack of playing time causes I now view being selected to a team, where playing time is excluded, to be among the cruelest “jokes’ that can be played upon a young person’s heart!
But in this blog I’m writing about me when this happens with/to my child. It’s therapeutic when I write and I just need to let a little of my own pain escape my body through my fingertips. Thinking someone might read this and may even give me some advice helps me all the more. So as way of background I provide this quick synopsis:
My daughter’s Junior High Years – 1 year of scholastic volleyball – 2 years of club volleyball : played a good amount in scholastic volleyball – was told she was very good but had to “learn” in club –so very little playing time (oh and this team went to the USA Volleyball National Championships)
Freshman Year – scholastic volleyball – JV – honor to make JV, not “C” squad, but not as much playing time as we felt she deserved : Club – again made the same club team a year older, devastated to learn her club recruited other girls who were promised playing time over her – again very little playing time (but this team also went to national championships)
Sophomore Year – scholastic volleyball – plays on JV- NEVER comes off the court and “swings” every game with Varsity: Club – changes club as we now see the true character of the people who ran her last club – makes a very good team ranked among the top 4-5 in state, and they just miss qualifying for the national championships – playing time is very good
Junior year (current) – scholastic volleyball – selected to Varsity – is not playing anywhere near the amount she feels she deserves – I couldn’t agree more!
And that’s where I pick up the story again. As my girl did all the pre-season things for her high school ALL the feedback we received was positive from her. She told us how well she thought she was doing, how positive her coach was, and how she felt she stacked up favorably to other girls on the team. So as the season approached I got all those feelings in side of me as her first game approached. At work on the day of that first game I was almost giddy.
Imagine all of my family’s devastation as the six girls take the court and my daughter isn’t one of them! Well, at first we think, that’s ok. . . .starting isn’t everything . . it’s getting to play. Even though we’ve seen SOOOOOO many volleyball coaches in that history I gave you above who just go with, and stay with, the same six girls thoughout ALL the games. But I wipe those thoughts away because knowing the abilities my daughter brings to that team, I know she’ll be in soon.
First game goes by . . .my daughter doesn’t play at all.
Ok, well in high school volleyball you have to win three games. So there’s always the second game.
She doesn’t go in the second game.
She doesn’t go in the third game until her team is up 18 to 11. By now I can see, when she goes in just how red her face is from crying. She couldn’t hold it in and actually began weeping while on the bench.
She played well when she was in . . . .but the damage was done.
So you know what happened. Now let me tell you what happened to me.
By the time her team had scored 10 points in the second game with my girl on the bench, I felt my body almost freeze in confusion over competing emotions of shock, horror and close to uncontrollable anger. I simply didn’t know who to react to anyone or anything. Another parent had to remind me that I really hadn’t cheered for the team since the second game started. Now aware of that I found myself resenting girls who hadn’t done anything to my daughter, but I resented them simply because they were PLAYING while she wasn’t. I knew these girls from involvement with the sport over several years. Some of whom were playing but had been CUT by my daughter’s club team . . . a team she had made! I had seen their level of play and I knew they were ok or fine players but they weren’t “99% playing time to my girl’s 1% playing time” better than my daughter. I became unable to clap or cheer. All joy associated with this night, this game, this team was washed from my body. As I became certain that my daughter would NOT play in the second game . . . . I left the stands and walked out of the gym.
I peaked in the gym’s window every so often and actually missed her going into the third game by a few minutes. Once she was in, I returned to the stands and cheered my head off for her and for all her team-mates.
So that’s my question to you. Should I be ashamed of myself? To “state for the record” I asked my daughter if she felt bad when I walked out as I was driving her home and she basically told me, “Dad, when a coach treats me like this, after all I’ve given to this sport, I feel so bad, so ashamed, so confused that I don’t know which way is up. I KNOW I’m good . . .good enough to play. So I just don’t understand it. Knowing you’re watching me get humiliated makes it all the worse, so I’m actually kinda glad you walked out.” I re-assured her that I want to, desperately want to, see HER play and that I don’t hate her team-mates it’s just I want to see her play and to see her sit the bench, knowing how good she is . . .is nothing but insulting, degrading and humiliating to her and, through her . . .my family, and I DO feel that to sit there and watch is essentially giving the coach a BIG thumbs up to how she’s treating my kid. You can abuse my daughter and threaten to hang the title “Quitter” on her if she just can’t take it and walks away (so basically assuring yourself that she WON’T walk away) but you just can’t expect me to watch you abuse her. I can walk away when the pain gets too extreme. And if that alleviates a little of her pain . . .then that’s what I feel I have to do.
volleyball playing time
Greg, I understand your frustration and anger; my daughter is a senior on her volleyball team. All three of my kids have been through playing time struggles; there is so much I could tell you. My husband has coached for 27 years and I've been a sports mom for 16, I've seen both sides of the bench. I've felt it all. I would like to invite you to check out my sports parent blog jbmthinks.blogspot.com.
I would say a few things to you:
1. Encourage her to be a team player. There is no "I" in team. It's not about how much she plays, it's about the team.
2. Don't let her compare her time to other player's playing time. The coach knows who can do what, who does what in practice and the abilities of his players better than you do.
3. Encourage her to talk to the coach: "What do I need to do to get on the court more?" "How do I get on your radar?"
4. If she truly loves to play, don't let her give up. Last week my volleyball daughter came home from practice crying because the coach was replacing her at the libero position. Well, we encouraged her to fight for her spot, to not roll over and play dead. As it turns out, he only replaced her for ONE match, and then put her back because when she got on the court at a different position, she played like heck and he saw that her "replacement" was not better. Actually, he told her he was trying to "light a fire under her butt!" Well, I guess he did.
5. When she gets on the court, no matter how little time it is, tell her to give it her all. Make a difference on the court..
6. Encourage her not to sit on the bench and sulk. Coaches see that, and most will NOT reward it. They want to see kids that are team players.
7. View these struggles as opportunities for growth. Every one of my kids has grown stronger as a person through their sporting struggles. They've learned to not give up and to be selfless.
8. And hardest of all, Dad, you as a parent will better serve her if you learn to bite your tongue and let her fight her own battles. It's HARD, I know, but she will be stronger in the end if she does.
Enjoy the rest of your volleyball season!
Janis - I typed you a response and it didn't take . . . .
. . .when I hit "post comment" I'll have to re-type it when I get time again, but thank you for your response
Great post by Janis, she's
Great post by Janis, she's obviously got the years to speak to this, from a lot of different angles.
I think you really have to reiterate to her to be a team player. Sulking on the bench does not convey a positive image to the coach, and it makes it less likely to get in.
I'm suprised that you were completely caught off guard the first game. I would think your daughter would have know she was not starting, I'm sure they split up starters / reserves in practice. In a sport were teamwork means so much, I'm sure the roles of each player was clear before the first game.
Finally, it seems as if she has a great passion for volleyball, as you said with her playing school and club ball. This is one of my fears with the onset of these club programs. Kids get into the mode of playing volleyball for 8-9-10 months out of the year, quit all other sports and when reality sets in in high school, it's too late to go back and "re-learn" another sport. I really encourage kids to play 2 or 3 different sports as the year goes around. This keeps the options open when you get to high school.
Hey, it's not the end of the world. Volleyball is a sport she can play as an adult. Most cities have may co-ed or women's rec leagues, where you just play for fun, the reason she started into this in the first place. Good luck!
Thank you both - let's be straight about a few things . . .
Janis and John – thanks for your thoughtful comments. I appreciate them but let me be clear about a couple of things, as you may have missed them in my initial post:
1) I am letting her “fight her own battles”. We’ve been at this sports thing for quite awhile now and we know the “rules” of the game. We know the athlete has to approach the coach – not the parent – so I don’t
2) Having been at this for awhile we KNOW there are other forces at play than just talent. We know how kids who are the children of school administrators will get different treatments on a school team than kids who’s parents are not. We know that if a school coach has an affiliation with a club team in town that the players who are associated with that club will get different treatment than those kids who are not associated with the club. These are just facts that my daughter has learned painfully over the years and I just not interested in giving coaches free passes anymore when they hurt kids un-necessarily. We’re going to call unfair and unjustifiable acts just what they are. Coaches are people . . .not gods, and maybe we wouldn’t have horrendous drop out rates from youth sports IF coaches started acting more like people than gods!
3) Why do we ask/require super-human efforts from young people when they’re faced with horrific injustice? We wouldn’t expect ourselves, or our adult friends, to “smile through” situations where we know we’re being abused. Why should we expect a child to do so in the area of sports? I think the excuse of continuing to heap unjustified abuse on to a child because they’re not smiling and asking for more as we hurt them through benching, and then feel justified in that abuse because we can pick up a slight little break in that smile, and then call it an “attitude” problem, is nothing more than that, an excuse, and a poor one at that for hurting a kid. You wouldn’t smile through similar treatment so let’s stop being intellectually and emotionally dishonest in stating that a child should or else we can feel free in labeling them as possessing “poor attitudes!” Sheesh!
In some of these areas we may have to agree to disagree, because, as I said we’re not new to this and my daughter, and me and her mom are getting pretty tired of it when it seems like our girl is asking for some pretty simple things . . .a little respect and a fair amount of playing time. If she receives those things . . . .we’re happier than a pig in the mud!
She did talk to her coach and her play time increased over the next two games - enough so that she was beginning to have her depression turn around, and then, in the third game, she went back to playing next to nothing and I walked out of another gym. That night, at home, she told me she feels that she’s already gone to the coach and let her know how she feels so she can’t go again.
I’m telling you guys the emotional roller coaster is just too, too painful, for all of us, so we might just encourage her to leave the sport altogether. Again we not new to this sport, so after all the things you suggest, which I swear to you, she’s tried, and she still keeps getting slapped with the same pain . . I ask you, what choice do you have?
Greg, I agree, if it this
Greg,
I agree, if it this painful, then she may need to leave. Yes, I'm not naive to think there isn't some preferentail treament at times, but not all the time. What if the school administratior's or school board president's kids is one of the better players? It's a no win situation because people like you think they play because of the parents stature, not by their own merits?
Maybe the coach should begin the season at the coach's meeting saying that there is no playing time guaranteed (unlike club ball). If you can't handle not playing, then don't come out. Coaches can't play everyone at equal amounts at the varsity level. Especially if the talenet level does not allow it.
I'd be a little careful terming this "abuse". That's a strong term and you are now blurring the lines of what real abuse is. I see a day when a coach or teacher will be arrested for child abuse for not playing a kid in some volleyball games??
I understand it hurts, I understand you pain, it's emotional and it's great you are that involved. But in high school, many things become reality where it was clouded over in youth sports.
I know how you feel
Mr. Kropkowski,
I just want to let you know this article almost had me in tears. I am so emotional about this because I know exactly how you feel.
Every blog that you have written and commented on relates to how I'm feeling about my son on his youth FB team at this very exact moment.
You don't want your child to be labled as a "Quitter" or a "Whiner" because they guard their principles, the principles you have taught them as a parent, with jealously.
You are realistic enough to know the potential of your child. You and You alone knows the hard work your child has put into their sport and you encourage it as much as you can. Many, many Kudos for this blog!!! It's good to know that I am not alone with the feelings that I am having in regards to this matter.
Thank you - I responded on the "Favoritism" thread
Sunomee - thank you. It's VERY emotional when we know our children are being hurt . . . especially in an area that we thought held such bright promise for our kids . . . .sports. Sports can be SUCH a blessing in our child's life, or, if it involves a coach who just doesn't understand his/her role - and the crucial role of meaningful playing time - in promoting a kid's self-esteem - team sports can be devastating. See my blog I created to address this at:
truthinyouthclubsports.webs.com
I'd like to think informed parents can stop the abuse!
Greg
Approaching a Coach
My daughter got involved in Club soccer at 10 and immediately noticed the unfair treatment. Recently at age 11 she was invited to join the top club in the state. She played on one of the "B" teams and did fairly well. This year we as parents were told they wouldn't decide top level Elite teams (2) immediately after tryouts and that they would give them a month to evaluate A and B teams even though they were collecting checks from parents and hadn't told us what section of the state we would be playing or who the coach would be for the two teams. My daughter made every practice but one and played exceptionally well during this period. Some other girls from her former team didn't play all that well during practices and made the top team. There were four girls in all who I thought and others thought should not have beaten out my daughter or a few other girls who didn't make the top team. One of which didn't go through tryouts and only went to three or four practices and didn't show anything that would separate her from my daughter. My daughter knows she can beat all four of these girls and she was crushed when they got selected over her and now seems to be a bit jaded by the whole thing. There is one piece I failed to mention that may have played a part... one or more of the players who should have been on the top team have parents who asked questions during this process and the coach who is now the top coach would refuse to acknowledge questions and even told us to basically back off. It seems to me that if you have anything to say or question anything, they hold it against you. My daughter would ask during scrimmages or games if she could go back out and his response would be "I don't know." Now after we found out she is on the B team, we have already been required to order uniforms and pay tuition for the year. They know that if you give them any problems, they can put you on the bench or B team in this case and you either put up with it or get out because they are the top club. I feel like I work for them instead of them working for us and cannot find a way to actually try and have a civil conversation about what my daughter would need to do to get to the top team and what are the odds that she receives information on what she can do?
Mike- it ALL depends on what type of person the coach is . .
. . .that is an honorable person, or otherwise?
Mike – club sports are a terribly “rigged” system and it is what it is because of one reason – parents and our desire to put our children in competitive, challenging environments so their skills sets in the sport they love can improve. We, as parents have empowered and allowed this system to develop. Combine our desires for our kids with unscroupolous people and you have a high probability that some kids are going to get tremendously hurt.
Now, follow me here, the next step to you and I transferring ALL power (and a WHOLE lot of money) over to these clubs is that we’ll actually SEEK OUT the top notch clubs in our areas, because, to our minds – that’s where you should want your kid to play to improve! We find them through word-of-mouth or by searching online. When you go online and view a top-notch club’s website – what do you see? You see their self-accolades on the number of championships won or how the 14s team went to the USA (fill in your sport here) championship or how they just landed this incredible coach . . . .and so on. So you think to yourself, “that’s where I’m bringing my kid!”
Ok . . .the next step. And YOU, Mike, experienced this in a masterfully deceptive way. In tryouts the club will encourage kids who show an aptitude for the sport. They probably tell you, “Hey – your kid is pretty good. A natural talent. If he/she gets in our program we can see him/her being quite the star in high school ( and the inferred thought is . . . college). Granted there will be kids who show up who just don’t have the skill sets or athleticism to play the sport at a high level, and those children are usually cut by a top-notch club. Clubs know they need more players that they can put on the field/court for three reasons (maybe four depending upon the sport) 1) they can’t conduct good practices with just the required number to put on the field/court 2) they do have to account for sickness/injury 3) THIS IS THE MOST IMPORTANT reason - having more players on the ream lowers the average cost for all, but especially the players’ families that they REALLY care about – the starters . . . and in the case of my daughter’s sport . . the “never-come-out-of-gamers”. The reason I say there could be a fourth reason in some sports is that some coaches just have to simply acknowledge in their sport that the starter – just in the nature of playing the game – is going to get PHYSICALLY exhausted if the coach tries to play this player EVERY second. Sports like basketball and your sport, soccer, come to mind. In my daughter’s sport of volleyball, a player NEVER gets physically exhausted in playing to the point where they absolutely must be subbed for. So a volleyball coach that’s so wired as to simply not care about the complete development of players beyond his/her starters can keep the same players in . . game after game, match after match, day after day.
Usually during tryouts a club, if interested in a player, the club will offer that athlete a slot on the team and then expect immediate payment of some sort which, given the fact that the season (real games) won’t begin until a month, or maybe more, after tryouts, and that your kid will then practice quite a bit leading up to that first game . . . .is un-refundable. In other words, financially, YOU’RE IN - NO looking back ! To expand their money reach most clubs in most sports will offer an A or B team. . . with the OBVIOUS inference that the kids on the B team just aren’t as “good” as the kids on the “A” team. They sell you the “B” team by proclaiming how much your kid will develop on the “B” team and will then be ready for next year’s tryouts where they’ll surely make the “A” team. Here the obvious flaws in those words these folks use as they’re selling you the B team – 1) you generally get better playing against/with kids that are good . . not poor players. This is 100% the case in volleyball . . .you will never develop as a hitter if you’re on a team with a kid who can’t set, and 2) a point these club officials generally leave out – the kids on the “A” team are getting better as well. In fact, given the kids they’re playing against/with those kids are getting exponentially better than the “B” team kids. So as they’re telling you how this B team play will just propel your child into the “A” team . . . next year . . you have to realize . . .outside of an “A” team kid moving away, or going to a rival club . . .those same players will be at try-outs next year only now . . . .much, much better. You can get excited about the potential of an “A” team kid leaving for the club across town, and creating an open slot, but where do you think the kid that’s being replaced by your club’s player going to go? That’s right . . . to YOUR child’s club!
The rivalry between my daughter’s club and another across town was intense, but the other club just had an edge over my daughter’s club. They had a better track record of getting to championships and getting girl’s college scholarships. So that club is usually a parent’s first choice. This club knows that so it routinely sheds off girls who were on the roster one year, but seeing the line at the door, feels pretty good on always being able to find someone “better”. It’s tough to watch the heart-break of girls who played for that club one year being cut the next. So the other thing this club does is actively recruit from the other clubs on the relatively rare occurance that these other lesser clubs develop top-notch players. Once this top club offers a kid a position on THEIR club, based upon how they saw that kid play in the previous season . . . well, that player can’t switch FAST enough. And, sure enough, the player on the top club starts getting the “vibe” that her days on this club are numbered. That girl’s parents put out the “feelers” to the lesser clubs; and in the case of my daughter’s club, the club officials literally stumble all over themselves trying to “land” this player from the top club by promising her and her parents the sun and the moon. And this ALL happens for a kid that was being cut - or moved to that club’s “B” team !!! What the “sun and moon” means in club volleyball is 1) you make our team 2) you start 3) you NEVER come out of ANY game, and 3) this arrangement WILL NOT change no matter what a non-starting/non-playing player shows in practice – even if it’s brutally obvious to ALL watching that the non starter has is (or has become) a better player than YOUR child. This actually happened on my girl’s 14 year old volleyball team and I know it because the parent’s who got the promises told me so!
Mike- you were especially “jobbed” by your club because they asked you for money before they decided who would be on which team. From their perspective . . .that’s a brilliant move by really crappy people with one motive . . .get as much money from parents as possible.
Your club and this coach in particular sound pretty bad if there truly is no outline in a handbook on what to do about grievences. My daughter’s club had one, but honestly, if you were making your way, on my daughter’s club, through the grievence procedures - your kid’s days on the club were numbered, because, as you said in trying to get a wrong “righted” you now have identified yourself as a “trouble-maker”. So yes, stepping back and looking at what I’m saying . . .I REALLY am saying- once you put your child on a sport club, you are agreeing to agree with ABSOLUTELY EVERYTHING that club . . . that coach does. We had a grievence procedure policy, but really, it wasn’t worth the paper it was printed on, so we were really just like your club. The coach has complete and utter control, and you’d best be ok with that. If your child is on the happy side of this situation . . .all is well, and you’ll probably be one of those parent’s “singing the praises” of this “great” coach. If your child is on the unhappy side of this situation – just sit down, shut up, support the players who play, the coach, the team, the club and keep those checks coming!
The only way to re-train these folks who hurt so many kids, so deeply, every year is to hurt them where it matters to them and that’s with money. Most clubs by the time a kid reaches 13, in most sports, know who they’re going to have on their teams and who they’ll play. Especially in cases where it’s a sport where a coach can play only the starters ALL the time . . .like in volleyball . . . and you find that IS usually how the coach runs his/her team, the only way to try and change things is to reach those dozens of parents who are bringing their kids to tryout and let them know that their child will be a PRACTICE player for the valued kids on the team. Yes, you’ll PAY as much as the starter’s parents while getting about 25% of the value THEY get, but heck, your kid’s ON THE TEAM! But as we all know . . . if your child is NOT playing meaningful minutes in meaningful parts of the game . . . they’re really NOT on the team . . .your money is. If we could let parent’s know that their child was facing that reality if selected to these types of clubs, to be involved with these types of coaches, maybe they’d close their checkbooks and walk away. Faced with only having their starters and their “never-come-out-of-the-gamers” showing up . . .maybe, just maybe they’d be more open to treating all the children they place on their rosters with dignity and respect.