. . . .bench my child. Why can’t any of you see just how inconsistent your statement and actions are? PLEASE! I want to know!! Desperately!
My daughter “swung” varsity volleyball last year and we knew (she knew) that she should not expect to play much at all – in varsity games. After another season of club, where she played on a top ranked club team in our state . .. almost going to Junior Olympic National Championships for the third year in a row . . .she makes varsity out right this year. Now the head coach had changed, so the coach who had seen my daughter play the most . . . knew the level she’d been playing at for 3-4 years, was gone.
And we understand the “honor the seniors” sentiment that runs through most high schools and in high school sports. While my daughter is an excellent outside hitter (that’s what she’s always played in club) no other sport worships height (not even basketball) as much as volleyball. So, being small compared to the average high school volleyball player (my girl is only 5’4”) she’s deemed “small” by the average coach who’ll assign girls to positions based strictly on height . . .regardless of what the girl shows in ability on the court. The conventional wisdom in volleyball is that your middles and outside hitters HAVE TO BE tall – no matter if a smaller girl hits with more power or gets the ball “in” more than the taller girl.
So my daughter is relegated to the back row for defense. As unfair as this is, she accepts it as a fact of life in volleyball. Well, all four seniors on her team are small girls. Guess who gets all the playing time.
So, in her team’s quest for states, in my state, her team had to travel a HUGE distance to play this past weekend . . . . around three hundred miles . . . one way. My girl is in her most important year academically – her junior year – with a tremendous amount of school work on her plate. In other words, to be on this volleyball team requires an incredible sacrifice on her part.
Prior to the big trip, her team warms up with a scrimmage locally. As I walked around during the real matches on Saturday, I WISH I had a dime for every parent who saw the scrimmage that told me how incredibly well my daughter had played in the scrimmage. Why were they telling me this? Maybe because they could tell in my eyes that I wanted to strangle someone – anyone – anyone who was responsible for her public humiliation that came due to her COMPLETE benching over the course of three matches that were played this past Saturday. She travelled a total of around 600 miles to be benched!!!! Outside, as I was getting ready to drive back (she was riding with the team) – she was basically inconsolable, bent over with body racking sobs of pain, humiliation and anger.
There are no words in the English language that anyone can string together, in any order, that could even begin to remotely explain why adults would heap this type . . . this level, of emotional and spiritual abuse on a child . . . . .no words . . . . none!
And here’s one more reason why this abuse is so bad. Her team was KILLING their opponents by very wide margins. You play volleyball games till 25 points. Her team was winning some games 25 -9 or25-7 !!!! There was absolutely NO reason why you wouldn’t sub a girl in – who’s travelling 600 miles – when the scores are this lop-sided. None whatsoever! To not put a player in this type of situation is to SCREAM to the world that you, as a coach, believe that THIS player . . .who you selected to be on the team . . . is such an incredibly horrid volleyball player that you actually fear that, while YOUR team is winning 17 -3, that IF you put this other player in, the other team, which is being destroyed, would suddenly gain such self-confidence in seeing this horrifically bad volleyball player step onto the court, that you now feel you can rally and rip off 16 straight points and win the game. Fearing that possibility . . which I would say you’d have a higher probability of being hit by lightening then this team coming back to win, you, as a coach, will choose to devastate a child’s self-esteem . . . .rather than take that chance!!
And I make my point about the scrimmage a couple of days earlier than this crime against my child because no right thinking, sane, person should EVER come up to me and tell me how great my daughter is playing in one game . . . .a meaningless game . . . and then be willing to witness her public humiliation in other games. PLEASE! Can’t you see how your one statement just simply can’t be made IF the coaching staff is then going to turn around . . .within 72 hours, and publically ABUSE that same player in another game. Save your breath. You know what you’re witnessing happening to my child is as abusive as it can get to a young person WITHOUT cops being called . Just leave me alone and go back to the bleachers and thank God that, for some reason, the coach has decided NOT to abuse your kid in the same manner he/she’s abusing mine!!
Questions
Brooke de Lench
Publisher /Editor In Chief
MomsTeam.com
Author:
Home Team Advantage: The Critical Role of Mothers in Youth Sports (Harper Collins)
The "rules" in talking to a coach
Brooke - I apologize for not knowing your situation with kids and how old they are and what level of sports they play.
In a nutshell, now four years into high level club volleyball and a couple of years into varsity high school volleyball, here's what I know to be the rules of talking to a coach at this level:
1) If you even want to dream about having a chance to get fair treatment for your child in the area of playing time . . . the player . . . the athlete. . . has to approach the coach and discuss the issue. The parent CAN'T approach the coach!!
2) Even though the fact that your kid, as he/she is appealing for more playing time, means that he/she is TRULY saying that he /she feels that his/her level of play is on par with the player thats getting all the playing time, YOUR child just simply CANNOT say this to the coach. That's (in the world of coach -logic) disparaging a team-mate and the coach won't allow it and will throw your child's argument right in the trash. So many arguments your child would make to prove/support his/her point for more playing time are just simply dis-allowed in the world of coach logic.
3) As I've stated in other posts, a coach will throw in expectations on to the suffering child and link meeting those expectations to the child having ANY remote chance of fair treatment. I'm of course talking about the expectations that the child "smile and display great attitude" even as they suffer through horrible injustices. , , ,injustices that we'd never expect ourselves or other adults to suffer through if faced with similar circumstances.
4) When a parent gets involved with a coach in trying to get fair treatment for their child after the athlete has failed to get the coach to make a change it's usually the end of the chance of that child to ever be part of the team. Coaches just don't like being confronted by parents. As adults, we just don't feel tied down by the same things coaches use to stop their players from being honest and being able to present real, pertinent evidence. As adults, in fact, we feel compelled to point out truth and reality to a coach and they really, really don't like ANYONE putting cracks in their world views as to who should be on a team, who should start and who should play the most. In their minds . . .they ARE the experts and we . . . .the parents . . . are emotionally blinded idiots. because they have SO MUCH power over their child - athlete . . .those are the people they want to deal with. . . .not adults.
Brooke . . . .those are the rulees of dealing with coaches as they've been explained to me. Not very hopeful for a child just looking for some self-esteem through meaningful playing time in a sport they love . . . .huh?
There's no shame in telling the truth
Greg K - I have read many post that you have submitted and I have also done more research on youth sports studies than anyone I know. You are one of the few people that I believe have a pretty good insight on youth sports reality. Having been involved with coaching football- and I still coach youth football even though my son is now playing in high school sports and I have no involvement with that. I'm just a fan in the bleachers. I totally get it. I do believe that only 1 in 100 of all coaches out there will ever hear and comprehend what you or your child will have to say when it comes to playing time. Their minds are made up and their actions have been justified. They are ready to defend.
There is only one approach that I have found to be effective when dealing with a coach on playing time issues. But a parent has to be accurate in their childs abilities. My view on dealing with adults are no different than dealing with a child. The more straight forward you are, the better they will listen. So here is my approach. First of all, send this in form of e-mail.
There is no chance of an argument.
1. I will state my grievance.
2. Then I will explain to them how let down my child feels and that they are being selfish in their behavior or actions to have not taken notice.
3. I will then end it with asking the coach if there is anything that I can do to help the situation. Just let me know. I will do it.
Notice that I didn't use any scarcasm or profanity. I promise you that your child's coach will read this e-mail 3 or 4 times. That coach will be infuriated at first but the more times they read it, the more they will begin to reflect and the more they will begin to realize the consequenses for their actions. My belief is that coach will reflect on that statement for rest of their life and they will become a better person because of you and your candor. But probably not anytime soon. I'm not saying that this will get your kid more playing time but if you do nothing. Thats exactly what they will continue to do. I would never ask my kid to address such an issue with a coach-because it could lead to even more heartache and if you address it personally with the coach-your kid will never forget it and they know that you have their back. Remember, someday you may need them to watch your back.
Best wishes for your kid.
No Shame
Greg is correct. This is a very powerful way to make an impression and to voice your concerns. My suggestion would be to send a hard copy by mail. Keep it short and handwritten notes are always very powerful. Emails get lost too often and seem to get skimmed over.
Brooke de Lench
Publisher /Editor In Chief
MomsTeam.com
Author:
Home Team Advantage: The Critical Role of Mothers in Youth Sports (Harper Collins)
Good coaches and communication
The only way in which sending a letter or email to the coach will work is if he's willing to listen and is truly a 'good' coach. By good coach I mean someone that not only teaches technique and strategy of the particular sport but someone that also teaches teamwork, sportsmanship,and uses athletics to help these girls become fine young adults. I've seen it plenty of times when the coach makes it 'all about themselves' instead of the kids and the team. Coaches that are more concerned about wins and losses and are more concerned about being able to boast that they are 'The Coach' are usually too snobbish to think that a parent has anything useful to say to them.
Sometimes coaches may get too caught up in the action to see that a particular player is having a difficult time and the email or letter will be an awakening to them. Hopefully that will be the case, if that is the course of action you decide to take. If that doesn't work, do you then bring it up to the administration? That could work since a person with higher authority may be able to influence the actions of the coach and at lease encourage more communications with the team? A little communication can go a long way and sometimes it only takes a few minutes and it usually isn't that painful.
Some people want to be called Coach but they aren't willing to take on the full responsibility of what that title brings on.
Good Coaches
Brooke de Lench
Publisher /Editor In Chief
MomsTeam.com
Author:
Home Team Advantage: The Critical Role of Mothers in Youth Sports (Harper Collins)
Woman football coach- Bring It
Dear Brook, I did read your article on (Why Do Women Make Great Youth Sports Coaches?) and here are my thoughts. If a mom came to me and said I want to coach football, which is my sport of expertise- my first question would be- Why do you want be a coach? If the answer was ( I love football and kid's think I'm funny) that would be good enough an answer for me. Welcome aboard. If this Mom didn't know anything about football, that would probably be even better, because this Mom would probably make a great student of the game and bring a lot of enthusiasm. There are two things that I believe Moms would have a hard time adjusting to as it relates to football. One being the complexity of the sport and the other being the physical part of the sport. I will explain. Football is bar none- the most complex sport that there is. There is no way of knowing how complex it is until you find yourself in the middle of game competition and your getting a total beat down from your opponent-week after week-with no answer. That is why you see 10 to 12 coach's on the sideline at college and pro games. At large high school programs here in Indianapolis you will see 8 to 10 coach's per team. Personally, I don't think it's required at that level. The physical part of football that I believe most woman and particulary Moms would have with coaching football is embracing the necessary process of developing toughness. If you don't do it properly, you run the risk of a lot of kid's being severely injured through the course of the season. Maybe this will help. Several years ago I saw a special on how NFL football players can sustain so many high impact collisions in the course of one game that would shatter bones on any normal healthy man. The doctor who did the study gave an analogy to the conditioning that these guys go through-and stated that if a person took a 2x4 and hit themselves in the forearm with it every day and maybe a little harder every day that eventually the muscle and skin tissue around that forearm would get so tough and guard the bone so well that the pain of the impact of hittting yourself with the 2x4 would not be felt. So you have to go through this process of rigorous repetitive contact before your players see the playing field or you run the risk of serious injuries. With all that said, I have no doubt that I could teach a Mom more about football in 4 weeks than most the coach's know here in the local rec. football league that has 1200 kids. If I were to meet a woman that had the qualities to be a positive impact type of coach-and she was single, not only would I hire her - I would marry her. Hey, easy now, I'm single. Greg V.
I'm happy for some of you based upon these comments . . .
. . . that you have, evidently, been around different coaches than I've been around. Might just be my daughter's, and my family's bad luck. At a high performing club level and varsity level sport, the coaches I've been around, in seeing how they deal with a player, or parent, whose hurting over tremendously unfair benching is essentially summed up like this: "this is how I've decided playing time should be, I know you're killing yourself in practice but even if EVETYONE who views practice comes up to me and says that you are as good as the kid I'm giving 99.9 % of the playing minutes to . . .heck even if they ALL say you're better than the kid I start and play all the time . . . please know . . .for THIS team . .. .I'm GOD . . .you're not . . . .and you not being PLEASED with how I'm treating your kid just makes me all the angier at YOU and your child! Now that you've annoyed me . . .what do you think your child's playing chances are now?" See, that's the reason for the high drop out rate! Since kids want to PLAY so desperately . . .not just practice the starters the coach has decided to smile upon. . . knowing they CAN'T, and their parent's CAN'T, appeal to the coach's reason, logic, heck, just simple human decency, in deciding to NOT emotionally and spiritually "gut" a kid through unfair benching . . .the child has absolutely no choice but to walk away. Brooke has said that women and moms being involved as coaches could change this . . . . maybe. The folks who are just destroying my daughter's self-esteem right now are all women and all moms. . . .so you have to excuse me if I disagree. Decent, right-thinking men wouldn't do this to a child and decent, right-thinking women wouldn't do it either. So I think that's the difference. We need more DECENT people as coaches. It sound as though you all may have met some. We've come across a RARE one or two in my daughter's experience with volleyball. The VAST majority really, truly just don't care who they emotionally crush if they believe they're playing the players that give THEM (the coach) the best chance to win. These people ARE NOT about mentoring children in life lessons- except, perhaps how NOT to treat young people. . . .they are ALL about themselves. Even the players they play are USED by these types of people . . .they just get the happy side-effect of PLAYING. But when you can treat a kid they way these people have treated my child . . . then, it's evident to me, you really don't care about children and you really shouldn't be involved with young people.
Why I moved my kid to a smaller school
Greg K - I moved my kid to a smaller school system where he now gets the playing time that he deserves. Its outside the district and cost some tuition but he gets adequite playing time in football and basketball-not to mention gets better grades. He's a good athlete but wouldn't have gotten any playing time had we not moved him. It was just to big of a school. It was the only solution for playing time. He still has a poor football coach but lucked into a very good basketball coach that has little bias. Its sad to say but it was the only solution and my son son was willing to make the social adjustment for the love of playing sports and being valued as a result of being at a smaller school.
The only other option that you have which may be considered a little bit shady would be to anonymously send your daughters teams opponents coach a detailed scouting report of her vollyball teams roster and give a detailed evaluation of all the players and the strenghts and weaknesses of your team. If all the sudden your daughters V-ball team is tanking and the coach doesn't have an answer- Then maybe he starts looking at the bench for some answers. I personally haven't done this but I know that its happened. Sports is a zero sum game where one persons loss can only be equaled by another persons gain.
Greg V
Thanks, Greg, for your thoughts, but . . .
. . . I much as there are times, in seeing just how much my daughter is suffering at the hands of these folks, that I truly do wish, and pray, for some level of revenge to be delivered to these individuals, I have to say that I always wish well for my daughter's team and especially her team-mates. It's been rare where she's told me that she picks up a "vibe" from her team-mates that they just don't see why she's on the team in the first place. In other words, her team-mates KNOW exactly how good my daughter is, and if it weren't just for a simple choice that the coach has made, to glorify them, and devastate MY daughter, that they see the situation could almost simply be reversed. They KNOW that the playing time situation is in NO WAY based upon talent levels and ability and what's shown in practice, so these girls, who are enjoying the situation, actually do live a little in fear of just stumbling into whatever they imagine my daughter may have stumbled upon to warrant this kind of detestable treatment from an adult who should know better. SO I do like her team-mates and I know it's not fair on my part to expect any of them to go up to the coach and say, "Coach - listen, I need you to cut my playing time down and give some to . . . . . . . She absolutely deserves it, maybe MORE SO than me in terms of ability. It's only right, coach" How could I EVER expect a kid to do that?
We are just trying to bind together as a family, to offer up prayers to God, that, maybe someday we'll understand why a girl was treated this way by adults who held themselves out to be people of character and then, concerning my child chose not to be so. When you can't understand it from what you see on the court . . .nothing makes sense, so this is our only option.
Faith is a great option.
You have done all you can do. Leave the rest up to the higher power. I was in her shoes as a high school athlete. Believe me . I feel her pain - and yours. That's why I'm on my crusade to make youth sports more enjoyable for all who want to play. That same pain has not only made me a good coach, it has made me a good father as well. Just making lemonade out of lemons. Best of luck.