Favoritism?

First, it is important that parents understand before they become coaches the importance of not favoring their own child because of the resentment it causes in both other players and their parents.

I am amazed at all of the coaching groups out here like Positive Coaching, etc. They seem to be a huge business and do run many coaches through the program but then the coach is gone. I would love to see more physical ed majors get paid to coach our kids instead of the parent looking out for his own. I always start the season wanting to be thankful but too often I am very mad at the end of it.

I had the same issues with favoritism in the past. I recently put my son in an i9 Sports coed soccer league in Tampa. I think they have them all over the country. Their coaches seem to be better trained at giving all the kids equal playing time. The games are about an hour and everyone plays every game at least 30 minutes. My son also gets to play different positions in this league. The last league he played in he never got to play goalie because he wasn't as strong of a player as the other kids. Now it's his favorite position and has really helped his confidence. I had to sign a parental pledge that says I'm committed to my son having fun and that I won't yell at the coach. I thought it was a joke at first but the parents on this team are pretty positive. It's been a great experience. I'm putting my daughter in this fall.

I understand some of your frustrations with youth sports. But let's take a different spin on this for once. When Johnny or Suzie are out there competing for jobs, they may or may not get a job. It may go to someone who they are better qualfied than, but it is what it is.

They may get a job at a place where they have to work a little harder than the person next to them. Or they may be better at sales than math and get a job in sales rather than accounting.

My point is that LIFE ISN'T FAIR! We're creating a generation of one size fits all, everyone gets equal playing time, and these kids don't know how to compete for anything. They whine to the administration that they are being treated unfairly.
What's wrong with putting a kid in goalie whose good at it, rather than putting a kid whose scared of the ball in goal?
I laugh when there are actual classes and training where coaches have to be certified to coach kids in a sport that they already know.
Quit worrying about where your kid plays and just tell them to do the best job they can. The coaches who compete to win will recognize that and put them in positions to help the team win. While many of you constantly talk about equal playing time and kids playing other positions, I've never seen a kid, high school on down, who was happy after their team lost a game. I have,however, seen kids who don't play much or contribute much, estatic after their TEAM won. People like to be successful, it's how we are wired.

I have coached youth baseball for several years. I also coach youth basketball on and off. There is a happy medium that I don't believe has yet been addressed on this forum, so I shall explore it here.

In all of the leagues that I have coached -- baseball or basketball -- we played a "regular season" of games that were considered developmental. No won-loss records were recorded (although all of the kids knew them!) during the regular season. At the end of the regular season, we did hold tournaments which "counted." The developmental season lasted about 70% of the full season. During that portion of the season, successful managers typically rotated their players and developed players at new positions. Those who failed to do so never had enough bench strength or depth at important positions when we got to our tournaments.

During our developmental season, I always played my own child at skill positions for 3 innings of each game and for 2 innings in the outfield. He sat on the bench for one inning, as did every other player. I tried to follow that model with every player unless I had a player who was at risk of injury if I put him or her in the infield. When we got to our tournament, I played each player where he or she was strongest in comparison to all other players on the squad. The top 8 players each played for every inning and the bottom 4 played half a game each. If I was fortunate enough to feel that I did not have 4 players who were materially less developed than the top 8, I would bench all players equally. Bottom line: All of my players (and the players of many other managers in our leagues) new that they were playing for playing time and that if they performed well in the developmental season, they would get more desireable assignments during the tournament.

I was a child athlete (gymnastics) high school athlete,college athlete, ran a gymnastics club, have a BA in Sports management, have coached almost all levels of gymnastics. Now we have our six kids in track and field (HS), baseball, little league, Babe Ruth, legion, and Rec soccer. I have seen a tremendous amount of favoritism, both from coaching parents of kids that play, and even from high school coaches. Some of that favoritism has been directed at my kids, and also against my kids. For the most part I find that the coaches are trying to do a good job. Where most of the trouble seems to lie is in little league, and and junior leagues. It is true that these people are volunteers and they simply do not have to "be nice" if they do not feel like it. I am not taking away from the good ones, because there have been some. I do not find the problem in soccer as much. Less sitting around time maybe? Usually the coaches either favor their kid or yell at their kid, either extreme is wrong, but as I tell my kids politics are everywhere, and you have to learn to just deal with it. It is sad though for the kids, especially if they are doing a good job, trying their hardest, and even if they are also talented physically to watch a "spoiled brat coaches kid" get a reward simply for being the coaches kid, it is "unfair" but more than that it teaches the kids that it does not matter how good you are, how much of a good attitude you have, or how much you try. Rewards should be given on merit, and attitude, not on favoritism. I have watched an entire team of little league boys being discouraged by that, and then being told that they (expletive)....I mean seriously why would the kids want to play after being told that? As a matter of fact. on this one particular team, one of the coaches kids would come into the dug-out, and use the (expletive) at the other kids "we @%#$%" this very kid got the "sportsmanship" award at the youth "banquet"...I mean what does that say to the rest of the kids. Of course if you speak up as a parent, you and your kid get branded......oh well that is the way of the sporting world...should not be, yet often is. Mirrors real life!

The only people who will spend an entire forum insisting that coaches do not favor their kids is more than likley a COACH who always thinks their kid is the best player and that no one else on the team cared about playing with their own kids. Let's all face it -coaches coach mostly to keep pushing their kids to the top of the mountain.

My husband has been a youth football, baseball, basketball and soccer coach for many years. Sometimes he is the head coach. Sometimes he acts as assistant. My husband does not coach to give my kids more playing time and he certainly doesn't do it for the pay (there isn't any!). When he is the head coach, you can bet that he will put about 40 hours worth of work A WEEK to formulate practice plans, game strategy, learning conditioning and agility training, meeting with coaches, meeting with parents, talking to the kids, arriving early (and staying late) for practices and games, having individual practices for a kid who wants to improve a skill, etc. I could go on and on. He doesn't do any of this to "push my kids to the top of the mountain", as "Ed" suggests. He does it because he LOVES the sport, he LOVES being involved in the community, and he absolutely LOVES the kids who play on his team, regardless of their ability. You obviously are unaware that the coach sacrifices a great deal of his personal life to coach YOUR kid. You are also obviously unaware that the coach's FAMILY sacrifices a great deal of their personal lives so that their Dad can coach YOUR kid.

For those who may feel their child is being slighted because of a coach placing their own child in positions which you feel your child should have a chance to play: here is my suggestion to you:

Do not speak to the coach before OR DURING practice or games. Tell him/her after practice or games, that you would like to speak to him/her about a problem and ask what is a good time to call. When you do call, be direct as to WHY you are calling. Tell him/her that you feel your son/daughter should be given the chance to play whatever position and ask what you can do to improve the chances of that happening. If your son/daughter has a good coach, that coach will tell you that your son/daughter needs to work on this skill or that skill to improve their chance. And then... MAKE SURE IT IS DONE! Don't expect the coach to teach your child this skill during a regular routine team practice. If you do not know how to teach the skill, try to learn or ask the coach how to teach it. If that is not possible, then ask around. Find someone who can.

And above all things, thank the coach for his/her help!

My son is in his first year of Babe Ruth Baseball and I really thought it would be different. We have put up with the favoritism for 4 year in minors and majors of LL and when it started again in BR, I blew my top and went to the BR commission. We had tried talking to the coach to no avail. My son is an excellent player and our solution in the past was to hire a private coach and send him to baseball camp. He is serious about the sport and I think his natural talent is a threat to the coaches' sons, who are also the same age. I am a teacher and I am wondering how those parents would feel if I had treated their kids the same way they have treated mine. What if I had decided not to teach their students because I thought they were a threat to mine?

My husband I are taking over the BR league now as 5 board members are stepping down and so one of the first things on the agenda is to get rid of the current coaches who play favorites. We live in a small town and everyone knows who those coaches are, so they won't be missed, but  the problem is I am afraid that we will end up short on coaches. Any ideas on how to recruit new coaches? And how do I keep this from happening again, short of watching every game and every practice?

Any ideas anyone? 

It's amazing how this topic started in 6/08 and still going.

 I am a parent of a youth football player and it's very sad to say that, yes we have experienced the same situation of him not receiving playing time. 

As this is my son's first year playing youth football, I did not expect him to be a starter.  He is a fast,thin guy who looks more offense but can't catch. Coach put him on defense but he won't hit. He then put him on special teams where he moved his way up to 2nd string.  The unnoticed problem I have experienced is hearing the Coach say in meetings and the like that he will not put in 2nd and 3rd stringers until the score is comfortable enough because at the end of the season, what counts is how many points a team score and how many points they allow other teams to score which determines the playoff schedule.  I was comfortable with this logic for a time because if the 1st string runs the score up, then my son has a chance to play even if it's to run up and down the field for a minute. If 1st string does not then my son probably won't play.  Again, this logic was fine.

 The problem I began having was when I was sitting in the stands watching his starter offensive and defensive child and many others like him whose played in the program with the same Coach since the pee-wee stage, for 3 and 1/2 qtrs and the score get pushed up to an unbeatable amount and still not seeing my son grace the field.  In a addition to that sight, I as a parent have to see the discouragement and anger on my son's face because he realizes he won't be getting into yet another game where the team was clearly ahead with no chance of the other team coming back. 

 

Now since I have paid $270.00 worth of registration fees for my son to be on the team, be apart of the team and get some playing experience before moving on to HS, a place where parents have no involvement whatso ever and he will have to stand on his own and the competition being very steep and he will have to work harder to earn his place, it is very frustrating and disappointing.  In addition to that, we made sure he was at every scheduled practice, including the saturday's one for the kids who they felt needed it to get them up to speed with the rest of the kids.  I have volunteered (like the coaches and board members) during games by doing consessions and my husband volunteered to do sideline work only for my son to not get any playing time.

 Now when I spoke up about it and I admit it was in a way that could have been dealt with differently, the board members spoke with us and expressed their displeasure, which was fine, but at the same time they came to an decision that they would make sure all children have playing time if a team is up by 3 TD's.  3 days later we are being told that they want to dismiss him from the team because of my actions.  Why do you dismiss a child who just wants to play because the parent spoke up?

 Can anyone explain this to me?

I agree 100%.

 The reason I spoke up is because I know that my child would not.  He is taught to not question adults no matter the situation.  He's only 13-not a boy but not yet a man.  He is the type of kid that will just withdraw into himself and go into a depression.  This was the one thing he enjoyed doing.  He received many compliments about his improvements since first starting and that made him feel good.  It took many therapy sessions to get him to this point and I refuse to let some jerk volunteer coach push him back there because of his ego.

 The only thing I can do now is apologize to him and promise him that he will get the experience he needs to help him be more competitive against other boys his age while vying for the same positions.

Interesting thread and opinions. My sons are both college athletes, one at a Division one program, and the other at a Division 3 program. My oldest son was coached by my husband, my youngest son was not. Simply because of the personality of the kids. We did have situations with my older son where a few parents complained that their kids were not getting enough playing time and that my son was getting too much. He generally played about the same amount as other kids on the team. We also at the same time had some very competitive parents who complained that they wanted to win, and that my son should be left in the game for the whole game, because it would accomplish that goal. People have very different perspectives, and my husband handled all of them with exceptional patience and understanding. He would not waver though from making sure that my son only played half of the game. Years later, I look back on the situation, and realize the following -

• In youth sports, especially at the grade school level, it made a lot of sense to have fairly equal playing time, it allows kids who may develop later to remain interested in the sport.
• Typically  parents who complained didn't understand the sport well enough to even realize that different positions play different amounts of time because of the situation on the field.
• The other kinds of parents who complained were often parents whose kids didn't really share their enthusiasm. They were the kids who never picked up a stick except at practice, and just didn't want to work at the sport.
• Parents often are not the most objective judge of their child's ability. If you always find yourself believing that your child is the best player, but no one else seems to see it, he's probably not the best player.
• Coaches by and large are fair, and at older levels will play the best players. They want to win.
• There are some coaches out there who are biased towards their own kids, after all they are parents too and we're not the best objective judges of our kids abilities. Speak with assistant coaches and other parents and get their honest perspective before accusing a coach of this, it's just as likely that you're the one who is not being objective.
• If the coaches kid is getting the most playing time, and also being recognized by people other than the coach - league awards, all-star selections etc... then you just might have to face the fact that they are better.

I can remember a specific situation where a parent removed their son from the team because they felt that their son was the best player on the team and wasn't being treated as such. Years later in high school, the mom came to us and admitted that she had been wrong and apologized. Her son had kept playing the sport, but they had hopped from one organization to another, trying in vain to find an organization that would recognize his amazing ability, but they never found one because the truth was that he just wasn't very good. Great kid, not such a great lacrosse player. Once they realized that, the whole family relaxed and enjoyed the sport. My son went on the become an Under Armour All-American and to play on a very competitive Division one team. The two kids became great friends in high school and we all look back and laugh about how things went.

I also have a son who is not that competitive, or that good at the sport. He played less than my older son, and that was absolutely understandable. We were as objective as we possibly could be as parents, and he was more comfortable because we weren't pushing him to reach higher than he could or blaming a coach and trying to claim that he was better than he was. It just wouldn't have been good for my son or the team to go about it in that way.

I'm not saying that there aren't biased coaches out there, but they are not nearly as common as some folks would have you believe.

My daughter went into 6 th gr and was one of 2 girls out of 75 that was picked for the cheerleading squad. Well the year went fine and she did well and was even encouraged by her coach to continue with gymnastics for the next year. 7th gr came and tryouts were held again and low and behold she was the only one not to make the squad. Why, because the rec cheerleading coach was now the high school coach and her daughter who was shown the routine in advance now was picked for my daughters spot. Coincidence, not! It probably wouldn't be so bad if it was even close but the coaches daughter is not athletic looking at all and shouldn't have been shown a routine before it was even given to the other girls who all had to learn it that day. It's a joke that people volunteer for coaching rec for the SOLE purpose to promote their own child and then the towns even acknowledge them with awards as if their do-gooders! It should be against school policy to have a parent of a child in the same school district. I actually can't believe it's not. I won't be sending my 4 yr old to any rec activities since it's only money for a town that practices favoritism. I will be looking for ways to change school policy for the good of ALL kids to get a fair chance and unbiased opinion.