Joan sat at her kitchen table, tears dripping into her coffee cup. Her twelve-year-old son, Brad, hadn't been selected for the travel lacrosse team - again. "How awful for Brad," she thought. "I should do something. Everyone knows he's the Lasers' best defender; but, somehow, he never gets on the travel team. He'll be so disappointed." With this kind of thinking, Joan is on the edge of a common danger zone for parents of young athletes - confusing her feelings with her son's. She's poised to take up Brad's cause and go to battle.

It's easy to understand why. Parents see things through adult eyes. They know that rejection is painful for them, so they think it must affect their children in the same way. This assumption can arouse a powerful protective instinct, leading some parents to threaten coaches and league officials, interrogate other families for evidence of discrimination, and foster an image of their child as a victim. Unfortunately, such parental behavior can have disastrous effects on a young person: a loss of self-esteem, increased anxiety, and a mounting pressure to excel which can lead him to quit sports altogether.

Let's take a closer look at what's going through Joan's mind:

• "Brad will think he's a failure."

• "I'm not a good-enough mother."

• "The coaches don't like Brad."

What's in Brad's head can be quite different:

• "I like the kids on my team; playing lacrosse is fun."

• "I don't know if I'd like practicing every day and playing on Saturday and Sunday."

• "My mom gets too upset about lacrosse."

Joan is engaged in a spiral of "negative thinking" - she's fixated on the worst interpretation of the facts. Her own self-esteem is threatened, and she's defensive. Brad isn't particularly bothered by not being selected. He is a little embarrassed by his mom. There's a major disconnect here - independent trains of thought, false assumptions, and no communication.

The solution: when you feel that your child has been treated unfairly in a sports activity, don't act on impulse. Instead, take a level - headed approach to solving the problem:

1. Identify your child's feelings. Find out what your child is thinking and feeling about the situation by asking him. Remember: he is an individual, with his own ideas of what makes him happy, sad, or disappointed. His feelings should be your starting point. The goal is to have a low-key conversation, not to give him the "third-degree".

2. Respect your child's perspective. Be willing to accept that your child's view may be very different from your own - distinguish the two clearly. Listen without judging. Try to support your child in what he wants to do.

3. Get the facts. Gather information without an "attitude." Be objective, non-adversarial, and open to re-evaluation. Don't be a conspiracy theorist, looking only for evidence that confirms your preconceived suspicions.

4. Practice "alternative thinking". Recognize when you've made an assumption about how your child is affected. Challenge yourself to come up with several alternative interpretations. Start out by thinking "Someone else could feel another way about this situation. For instance, …" This exercise can move you toward a more realistic, balanced view.

5. Look at the big picture. What if your child's authentic feelings about an apparent sports injustice do mirror your own? Should you automatically insert yourself into the coach-player relationship in an attempt to correct an apparent wrong? Not necessarily. Recognize that there are many factors to be considered, such as your child's age and level of maturity, the affect your involvement might have on his relationships with his peers, patterns of behavior, and significance of the incident.

In the final analysis, you need to take a look at the big picture and make sure you're serving your child's best interests, not just your own.

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Article Updated: August 25, 2007

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Mixing Up Your Feelings With Your Child's
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Building Team Relationships