In the car after the game, Jake and my three boys celebrated their victory. Jake was a bit sad that his mom hadn't been there to see him play goalie, as he had recorded a shut out. I asked him why she had gone home. "Well, it's a long story," Jake said, "but I don't like her to see me play poorly. In my last game, I gave up five goals. My mom tried to tell me what I did wrong and I didn't like it. She's never played soccer and doesn't even know the rules."

Unfortunately, for a child to ask that his or her parents "not come to my game anymore" is an all too common occurrence. Such announcements seem to come most often after a player has had a bad game or practice. They also seem to come just after pre-game warm-ups when the player has missed a number of free kicks or just can't seem to put the puck or ball in the net. The last thing a child needs to hear is a parent giving coaching pointers or putting pressure on them to perform. What they want most is unconditional support and encouragement, not criticism. Just knowing their Mom or Dad is in the stands is enough to make a child happy.

Ninety percent of children surveyed in a recent poll said that they wanted their parents at their games. One reported that he felt "important when there is an audience and Mom and Dad are in the bleachers." Another said she played better knowing that someone was watching her.

What kids don't like is when their parents make more noise than anyone. Asked what embarrasses then most, every single child surveyed listed parents hollering plays or instructions from the sideline or stands. Young players need to learn from their mistakes as much as from their successes. They only get confused if parents and coaches are constantly yelling plays.

Enthusiastic parents are vital to all youth sports programs. Being a fan of the team and attending games is, however, only one way for a parent to be involved. If your child needs some space and asks that you refrain from attending her games for a while, or if you know that you just can't resist the urge to yell instructions, let her know that you care by volunteering in other ways. Offer to bring water and oranges, or organize the carpool or caravan to games or practices. Plan a pizza party or other gathering during the season. By being involved behind the scenes your child realizes that your interest in his sports is genuine.

As I watched one of my sons play indoor lacrosse on Sunday afternoon, I couldn't help but overhear what one father sitting directly behind me was saying to another father. "I love watching Billy's games," said one. "I never played lacrosse and don't have a clue about the rules or what's going on, so I'm not overly invested. It's just great to see them play in a pick-up league like this."

He had hit on the reason he was enjoying his son's games, and his son was enjoying having him at them: he didn't know anything about indoor lacrosse so he was not in a position to critique his son's performance (whoever came up with the saying, "Ignorance is bliss," was right!). Every parent I spoke with said the same thing: their sons wanted them to come to their lacrosse games. "It's not that way with his football games," one noted.

Unfortunately, most parents who have played the sport their child is playing, or have watched it on television, think they are experts on how it should be played. (Again, I reminded of an aphorism, "A little knowledge is a dangerous thing."). Many can't resist the temptation to offer a running commentary on the game. Parents who have played a sport successfully (or twenty years later, think they did) have to be especially careful not to put any additional psychological stress on their child to follow in their footsteps. Parents need to show their support just by being at their child's athletic competitions, not as judges or commentators.

Additional Information: You can read more on this subject in; Home Team Advantage: The Critical Role of Mothers in Youth Sports (HarperCollins 2006) by author and MomsTeam founder Brooke de Lench

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Article Updated: August 25, 2007

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